November 27

Cyber Monday Apocalypse

 

Dear [Valued Customer]:

 

This email is to inform you of this year’s Cyber Monday promotions.  Our policies have changed in the wake of the Apocalypse, so please be sure to read each item carefully before clicking on any of the links.

 

– Store Close-Outs!

No, we’re not talking about our store closing — we’re talking about the small stores in your area.  Click below to order in bulk all the items you usually purchase at a local grocery, drug store, clothing shop, or bookstore.

After a reasonable interim, we’ll place a duplicate order for you and charge your credit card on file until we’ve drained the account.

 

– Postal Carrier Back-Breaking Special!

Not everybody was lucky enough to be in the shadow of a toppled building.  Never fear:  we will ship large chunks of rubble to your doorstep, so you can conveniently spread brick and cement carnage across your front lawn, simulating the devastation that struck our larger cities.

We have a nearly inexhaustible supply of affordable ruins to ship, but be aware that postage costs will run high for these heavy items…and, depending on the weight you choose, you might actually injure your Mail Carrier!

 

– Apocalypse Pranks!

While everyone else is scrambling to stay alive, we’ll help you prove you haven’t lost your sense of humor.  Click any of the links below to order:

* Pulse Wave Generator.  Imagine what happens when people lose their very, very limited access to electrical power.  With a push of the button, enjoy the crowd’s hilarious panic as lights and screens go dark.  [Note: not recommended near hospitals or police departments]

* Drone Art.  Another crowd pleaser:  we’ll arrange for a collection of programmed drones to fly over your city recreating an artistic image of your choosing.  Synchronized shapes include:  a dark, sun-covering cloud; a large missile pointed toward a nosey neighbor’s domicile; or, a viscious, red-eyed demon of retribution, to tease the religious zealots in your community.

* “Official”  Documents.  You’ll be the life of the apocalypse party with these official-looking documents.  Death Certificates.  Contamination Reports.  Evacuation Orders.  With the right names and addresses filled in, they’re sure to get a reaction.  And everyone will laugh with relief when you eventually tell them, Just kidding!

 

**Please note:  These Cyber Monday promotions may still be available for the remainder of the week/month/year, or as long as civilization survives.**

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